I know I’ve given you all an earful lately relating to jobs and it’s only going to continue today. It’s reflection time people…I feel like someday I’ll want to look back on these thoughts….I’m not sure if I’ll cry or if I’ll laugh (I’m hoping the latter) but either way….here goes.
So last night M. and I had the “big discussion.” No, we’re not planning to start a family or buying a house, that’s not the big discussion I am talking about –I am talking about the discussion relating to what will happen I don't get offered this new job.
I suppose I need to back up and give you the facts. As you know, M. was just offered a position with a great law firm here in DC practicing exactly the type of law he wants to practice – basically a dream – especially with the way law firms are (or actually, are NOT) hiring these days. The job that I interviewed for (tomorrow will be two weeks since the interview) is a position located in New York City. I am sure you can already see where this is going, but if not, let me clarify further.
The job that I interviewed for in New York is my dream job with my dream company. Of course I am sure there would be days where I would “hate my job” or get frustrated with the tasks at hand, but I would be in a position working for a company that I admire and that interests me with my entire career ahead – if my performance at said job was good/great there would most definitely be room for advancement with the company or with another amazing company. I could be the career woman that I’ve always dreamt of being.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to work and to have a job working "somewhere big". I've dreamt of having an actual career and working my way up in a company. I haven't known exactly what company that would be or where it would be, but I've had a sneaking suspicion (aka I know that most of the "big" companies that I am interested in are located in big cities) that this dream job and dream career would be located in a big city.
Unfortunately me getting the job in New York would severely complicate things. Luckily I married a man who is understanding and willing to support MY dream, but boy, did I pick a bad time to go for this interview.
Don't get me wrong -- I really enjoy living in Washington, DC, but the atmosphere here doesn't particularly cater to my interests which has really been a lot harder to cope with than I would've thought. I've never been interested in politics or the government and I don't think I ever will be (as naive or immature as that may sound). Washington, DC is all about government, politics and power.
I didn't write about it at the time, but back a few months ago (even months before his graduation) M. interviewed for a position with a great law firm in a small town in Virginia -- located roughly about 5 hours from DC. While I should have been excited and happy for him and the possibility of a job that he would really enjoy with a great firm, I was selfish and had a breakdown. I wasn't happy with this possibility because I pretty much saw my "potential career woman" lifestyle going down the drain. Ok, maybe I was a bit dramatic at the time, but we would have been moved to a small town in Virginia with very few exciting job ideas for me...believe me, the entire week while we waited to find out whether or not he got the job I researched and researched and researched the area and it's key jobs and organizations. Turns out he wasn't offered the job. I'm pretty sure he didn't get it because they probably sensed that he would move on quickly and wasn't necessarily ready to make a five year or more commitment with the firm.
I spent an entire week and a half crying and depressed over the fact that even though my (at the time) almost husband may have a great job opportunity it would mean that my career would be sacrificed. Again, who knows what would have happened, maybe I would have found a job that I loved or something that really made me feel proud about working, but I just didn't see it happening and it was honestly one of the worst feelings I've ever felt.
I spent an entire week and a half questioning all of my decisions post-graduation. At the time, M. was willing to apply for visiting status anywhere, but with the economy the way that it was and the job market extremely difficult I was worried about living somewhere we could afford. Our original plan was to move to Nashville so M. was going to apply for visiting status at Vanderbilt. Then somehow the idea of moving to Washington, DC got into our heads and M. said that he would apply for visiting status at Georgetown Law, or George Washington. Never once did I consider the idea of having M. apply for visiting status at Columbia in New York. I was beating myself up about the fact that I hadn't suggested that as an option -- having a career in New York (working for the right company of course) had a hold on me and still to this day I'm not sure why. Well, I have a little idea of why -- again, maybe it's naive, but it seems as though all of my "dream companies" are headquartered in New York. It literally made me sick to my stomach to think that I was stupid enough not to have suggested it as a potential city and of course in my tunnel vision I didn't see us ever leaving Washington or me ever achieving my dream job.
M. was as usual, incredibly supportive and reassured me that he would never move me somewhere where I would be THAT depressed or that unhappy. He certainly amazes me with his kindness and willingness to understand my feelings.
The thing that bothers me the most about this current situation are the WHAT IFS that start to infiltrate my mind. I tend to be a very positive person, but even though I can't always fully express myself through talking things out or even through writing, in my mind I am considering every single scenario over and over again. So I present you with my WHAT IFS with a few WHYS and HOWS thrown in the mix...
What if I don't get this job? What jobs will I apply for here in DC? If we stay here, will I ever find that "career" that I love? Why do I feel like this is my only chance to do what I love even though M. assured me that we could long-term (as in when our apartment lease is up) plan on moving to New York? Why can't I just embrace the happiness that we have in our life here? Why do I keep seeking the "perfect job" to fulfill me? Will I ever feel fulfilled in my career or what I do? What if I'm just not meant to have a career or a job that I really enjoy -- what if there is something else out there for me not job related?
What if I get this job?! What will M. do about his job in DC? Why was this opportunity presented to me now? What if M. is meant to stay here and build his career in DC? Why do I feel like I have been selfish and let M. down? What if I take M. away from a job that he loves and that will help him build HIS career? What if M. moves to NYC and hates it? What if M. moves to NYC and can't find a job that interests HIM?! And how will I ever forgive myself for having him move somewhere he doesn't like? What if moving to New York is the wrong move for our relationship? How will we be able to handle living apart for a while?
Believe me, there are many, many more thoughts and questions going through my mind, but I just can't seem to get them all down in writing. I obviously haven't heard about the job yet so I'm not even sure which way I need to be thinking. I really do trust that God has a plan for me and for me and my husband, but it's really easy to get down about things and worry.
I am a positive person, but some days I just can't keep it all together.
So last night M. and I had the “big discussion.” No, we’re not planning to start a family or buying a house, that’s not the big discussion I am talking about –I am talking about the discussion relating to what will happen I don't get offered this new job.
I suppose I need to back up and give you the facts. As you know, M. was just offered a position with a great law firm here in DC practicing exactly the type of law he wants to practice – basically a dream – especially with the way law firms are (or actually, are NOT) hiring these days. The job that I interviewed for (tomorrow will be two weeks since the interview) is a position located in New York City. I am sure you can already see where this is going, but if not, let me clarify further.
The job that I interviewed for in New York is my dream job with my dream company. Of course I am sure there would be days where I would “hate my job” or get frustrated with the tasks at hand, but I would be in a position working for a company that I admire and that interests me with my entire career ahead – if my performance at said job was good/great there would most definitely be room for advancement with the company or with another amazing company. I could be the career woman that I’ve always dreamt of being.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to work and to have a job working "somewhere big". I've dreamt of having an actual career and working my way up in a company. I haven't known exactly what company that would be or where it would be, but I've had a sneaking suspicion (aka I know that most of the "big" companies that I am interested in are located in big cities) that this dream job and dream career would be located in a big city.
Unfortunately me getting the job in New York would severely complicate things. Luckily I married a man who is understanding and willing to support MY dream, but boy, did I pick a bad time to go for this interview.
Don't get me wrong -- I really enjoy living in Washington, DC, but the atmosphere here doesn't particularly cater to my interests which has really been a lot harder to cope with than I would've thought. I've never been interested in politics or the government and I don't think I ever will be (as naive or immature as that may sound). Washington, DC is all about government, politics and power.
I didn't write about it at the time, but back a few months ago (even months before his graduation) M. interviewed for a position with a great law firm in a small town in Virginia -- located roughly about 5 hours from DC. While I should have been excited and happy for him and the possibility of a job that he would really enjoy with a great firm, I was selfish and had a breakdown. I wasn't happy with this possibility because I pretty much saw my "potential career woman" lifestyle going down the drain. Ok, maybe I was a bit dramatic at the time, but we would have been moved to a small town in Virginia with very few exciting job ideas for me...believe me, the entire week while we waited to find out whether or not he got the job I researched and researched and researched the area and it's key jobs and organizations. Turns out he wasn't offered the job. I'm pretty sure he didn't get it because they probably sensed that he would move on quickly and wasn't necessarily ready to make a five year or more commitment with the firm.
I spent an entire week and a half crying and depressed over the fact that even though my (at the time) almost husband may have a great job opportunity it would mean that my career would be sacrificed. Again, who knows what would have happened, maybe I would have found a job that I loved or something that really made me feel proud about working, but I just didn't see it happening and it was honestly one of the worst feelings I've ever felt.
I spent an entire week and a half questioning all of my decisions post-graduation. At the time, M. was willing to apply for visiting status anywhere, but with the economy the way that it was and the job market extremely difficult I was worried about living somewhere we could afford. Our original plan was to move to Nashville so M. was going to apply for visiting status at Vanderbilt. Then somehow the idea of moving to Washington, DC got into our heads and M. said that he would apply for visiting status at Georgetown Law, or George Washington. Never once did I consider the idea of having M. apply for visiting status at Columbia in New York. I was beating myself up about the fact that I hadn't suggested that as an option -- having a career in New York (working for the right company of course) had a hold on me and still to this day I'm not sure why. Well, I have a little idea of why -- again, maybe it's naive, but it seems as though all of my "dream companies" are headquartered in New York. It literally made me sick to my stomach to think that I was stupid enough not to have suggested it as a potential city and of course in my tunnel vision I didn't see us ever leaving Washington or me ever achieving my dream job.
M. was as usual, incredibly supportive and reassured me that he would never move me somewhere where I would be THAT depressed or that unhappy. He certainly amazes me with his kindness and willingness to understand my feelings.
The thing that bothers me the most about this current situation are the WHAT IFS that start to infiltrate my mind. I tend to be a very positive person, but even though I can't always fully express myself through talking things out or even through writing, in my mind I am considering every single scenario over and over again. So I present you with my WHAT IFS with a few WHYS and HOWS thrown in the mix...
What if I don't get this job? What jobs will I apply for here in DC? If we stay here, will I ever find that "career" that I love? Why do I feel like this is my only chance to do what I love even though M. assured me that we could long-term (as in when our apartment lease is up) plan on moving to New York? Why can't I just embrace the happiness that we have in our life here? Why do I keep seeking the "perfect job" to fulfill me? Will I ever feel fulfilled in my career or what I do? What if I'm just not meant to have a career or a job that I really enjoy -- what if there is something else out there for me not job related?
What if I get this job?! What will M. do about his job in DC? Why was this opportunity presented to me now? What if M. is meant to stay here and build his career in DC? Why do I feel like I have been selfish and let M. down? What if I take M. away from a job that he loves and that will help him build HIS career? What if M. moves to NYC and hates it? What if M. moves to NYC and can't find a job that interests HIM?! And how will I ever forgive myself for having him move somewhere he doesn't like? What if moving to New York is the wrong move for our relationship? How will we be able to handle living apart for a while?
Believe me, there are many, many more thoughts and questions going through my mind, but I just can't seem to get them all down in writing. I obviously haven't heard about the job yet so I'm not even sure which way I need to be thinking. I really do trust that God has a plan for me and for me and my husband, but it's really easy to get down about things and worry.
I am a positive person, but some days I just can't keep it all together.
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